So I made this video last week, in the midst of a near breakdown, after Aston's teacher Mrs. Gabriel had her second in depth conversation with me this year about Aston's rowdy behavior. The vid is half about the sweetness of fall and school starting with friends by our sides and then there's the slightly less blissful side of this particular fall...Aston's ups and downs at school.
Just as a background, the first time I was contacted by Mrs. Gabriel was within the first week of school and it had to do with how Aston was disrupting class and aggravating his classmates (usually targeting Kate Kate). She left me a lengthy, very respectfully in-depth voicemail and I responded with a hefty email of mostly apologies and plans to do better.
On week 2, Aston did a complete 180 and he received 2 thumbs up for 3 days straight. Then last week (week 3) he reverted back to terrorizing the 3 year old community at Sharon Presby. I spoke with Ms. Gabriel on Wednesday after school. She alerted me to his poor behavior telling me he would randomly knock toys out of other kids hands, destroy lego projects, push, hit and all around disrupt. Her concerns were that 1) yes most of this is normal behavior for a 3 year old but not in the excess that Aston is displaying and 2) he is no longer mostly targeting Kate...he is targeting kids he has just met :( One thing she said was "you just don't want those kids going home telling their parents that Aston's been hitting them"...and really...that's one of my worse fears! I of course went home with my mind in disarray. Is my child the class bully? I immediately googled the life out of "preschooler acting out in school"...and then I called Aston's pediatrician to see if she had any advice. I talked to Dr. Richter's nurse and she was great. She basically told me boys go through this type of 'aggression' more than girls usually and they will get over it as long as you stick to your harsh consequences and are consistent with the punishment style of the school. She assured me a 3 year old is far harder than a 2 year old and there is an end. Well ok...made me feel better but still why the heck does he seem worse than some others?
Then on Friday Anne texted me and said she got a recommendation for a book called Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond. I jumped on it. I went to the bookstore and asked an employee to help me find it. She said "oh! John Rosemond..." like she knew him? Then she said "oh? that's in a weird section?", as she looked at the computer screen to find the location of the book. She then walked me upstairs to the "Biblical" section of the store...YIKES! I thought...I am WAY out of my comfort zone...but with an open mind I sat for 1.5 hours and just read while both kiddos were in school. I learned to dodge the scary bible references and was pleasantly surprised with the way the book made me feel (and just so you know I am not against the bible it's just that I feel uneducated about it...I am a northern girl who went to church but not tons, you know?). It made me feel free. I won't get into the details but essentially John Rosemond, a phycologist himself, gives the reader permission to let go of the confusing mental health "phycho-babble" as he calls it and just do some down right dirty disciplining like our grandmas did...get it done...don't worry too much about feelings/self-esteem and just tell your kids how it is...and ultimately they will thank you in so many awesome ways later. As of today I am almost finished with the book and can't wait to see how he rounds it all out. I see a clearer path now and I'm excited about it. BTW...John Rosemond is completely famous and lives in Gastonia, NC...many of you may know him, as Anne does, as a regular contributor to the Charlotte Observer...his column is in syndication.
So since Wednesday Jeff and I have had a slightly different discipline style. We have vowed to not sit back and verbalize our distain for his behavior. We get up and do something about it. We have a more 'no IFS, ANDS or BUTS' attitude about misbehavior. We are done with negotiating and are trying our best to control our threats and turn them into reality much quicker. Sounds like a HUGE undertaking! Right? But I feel like it's a HUGE necessity...so here we are...strict(er) parents...ready, set, gain control!
and since Wednesday he has had 2 PERFECT days at school. I tell you...he's playing with my head...he's either perfect or terrible...and until I see some stability I can't rest easy...but I swear we are on the right child rearin' track...
Fall is Here 2010 from kate Lee on Vimeo.
13 comments:
Oh I love this Kate. You did such a great job of just documenting what's happened and how it has made you feel. Ok fine. I'll just have to buy the book myself. Sounds like you may want it for reference and such ;)
I'm sorry I have to laugh but shouldn't about our Asty knocking over lego projects. He was probably spoiled by all the upper level projects yall were doing at home and those school ones just weren't cutting it! I'm proud of you (and MJ). Love the Ready, Set, Gain Control Line. You're doing great.
oh mama kate - i don't know whether to laugh or cry. those notes home had to be sad - i know it's hard as a teach to write them. asty's a sweet boy - sweet as can be - just hang in there. i have that rosemond book - wish i had known you were looking for it. the picture of him on the swing sent me wailing and the vid clip of mei 'pretend' eating the marker was to die for. you're doing the best thing for him, even though being firm and having him miss out on fun stuff is hard. you're doing terrific.
great songs. so many awesome pictures in there (including a really stunning closeup of stellyn). and loved seeing kate, aston, and mia as mere babes (i'm gonna' have to post a baby pic of miles and ella one of these days --all of you are so great at the flashbacks :) ). also, can't get over what a good golfer aston is.
i remember when jack was in the 3's having a teacher conference in october about jack (jack was younger than aston at that point in the year) and the teacher talking about how sweet and gentle jack was but that to expect really soon for him to have a "coming out party" (her words) where he is suddenly "all boy" (this teacher had taught preschool for 20-odd years). and, sure enough, he arrived shortly thereafter, at about the age aston is now, with the rough play, wrestling, potty words, and destruction that is boy. in the 3's and 4's we definitely had a few notes home that still give me a knot in my stomach. i am VERY thankful for having TK as an option this year--jack has GREATLY matured in just one month. short story long, this is pretty normal, aston won't end up being a bully, and you are doing the right things (i think maybe i should read this book, too). thanks for sharing, kate!
Dear Kate,
You certainly have captured some of the reality of parenting in this post!!Being in a parent-child relationship is certainly not all peaches and cream! As alway your care and love for your children and husband shine in your honest, thoughtful writing and creative videography. I, as the Gram, am looking forward to reading Dr.Rosemond's book and to help you support some of his guiding principles regarding parenting and grandparenting. Hopefully I can help you when I visit later this month...with love, your Mom
Kate,
I am a friend of Anne Willett's through our mutual friend Cecilia Hanna. I was so excited to hear that this book has "changed" your life, b/c it sure did mine:) I have a 3.5 year old boy who is definitely all boy and we've had our share of notes home from pre-school. I was convinced that I had a delinquent bully on my hands, but now know that most boys go through this phase and with the right discipline and guidance he will get through it. But, more importantly, YOU will get through it. I know it's so hard to be on your end of all of this b/c you just WORRY WORRY WORRY. I feel like this book gave me a clear path for my husband and I to follow and so far so good.
Also, someone recommended this blog to me and I have enjoyed it so far. It's called The Mother of Boys Society and is written by a collaboration of mothers with WILD boys. Kinda makes you feel not so alone;) www.themobsociety.com
Sorry for such a long comment, but just wanted you to know you're not alone!
Shelby Earnst
p.s.
this website is also a bit preachy and religious based, so i just take from it what i find helpful.
I have confidence Asty will turn out just fine because his good moments outnumber his mischievous ones BY FAR. We have not encountered too much talking back when we've babysat. One of my favorite times when bbsitting Asty is when I put him to bed; I usually read him a book or two then I sing to him to the tune of ABC's, retelling of his day and reiterating and emphasizing all the nice things he did and how he was nice to mei, etc., squeezing in a million words per note just to fit it all in. He always wants to hear it resung over and over (but I usually stop at 3 times - of course each time is a little different since I just make it up as I go)- sometimes I stop randomly to see if he's really listening and he always finishes the thought where I stop off. It's very cute.
Love,Beebs
oh kate, i love the video. such great memories and loved seeing pics of the three musketeers when they were babes. so sorry you're going through this rough patch with aston. i think you are doing all the right things though. man we are still in the 2s but will be hitting 3s soon. i may need to get that book too. thanks for sharing, i know it's not always easy to do.
Kate! You are an excellent writer. Did we go to the same elementary school?
Sorry to hear about Aston's behavior, but it sounds like you are addressing the challenge. He will thank u later.....just look at me. If mom didn't stay on me I would be a hot mess these days;)
I'll call you later. I want to chat about wedding ideas:)
-love aunt megan
Kate, you did such a great job putting your thoughts down and documenting the trials of raising a 3 year old. This book seems to really have put you in a good place, spiritually/mentally with the confidence to move forward and the knowledge to face challenges head on confidently. xoxox
Kate - what an amazing post. I love your honesty and as a mother I can totally relate. I remember 3 being such a hard year with Miles...i read books, tried different things...I was emotional and stressed with the trial and error. :) I'm so glad that you've found a book that you like. It can make all the difference to feel like you have starting blocks to work from, doesn't it? You are such an amazing mom. I teared up watching the movie....watching all of the moments of love, of life, of family and friendship...all fostered by you & Jeff. You give Aston and Stell such a gift every day by loving them, reading about what's best for them, and doing all that you do for them. They are so very blessed to have you as a mother. xo
Tears...what a great video! You would never know that Aston is testing his limits and having some difficulty with his friends at school! I hope things are going well, and I would love to hear more about "The Book"!
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